IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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Phil(Quassie)Baldwin

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Phil(Quassie)Baldwin » Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:12 am

Bodge
You have finaly lost it you posted this on the 7th Nov
Phil :-)

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Nov 19, 2014 4:33 pm

Ok Phill I had better stop posting now.
Bodge.

Phil(Quassie)Baldwin

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Phil(Quassie)Baldwin » Thu Nov 20, 2014 10:14 am

Dont be daft

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sun Nov 23, 2014 4:34 pm

WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS


A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:


Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag


Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves


24 hours supply of food and drink


De-Icer


5Kgs of Rock Salt


Torch or lantern with spare batteries


Road Flares and Reflective Triangles


Tow rope


5 gallon petrol can


First Aid Kit


Jump Leads





I looked like a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!!!

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Brian Moulton » Mon Nov 24, 2014 6:21 pm

Got to be the Joke Of The Century:

Tony Blair - a global legacy of saving children? That probably isn’t what he’s known for to most of us. But children’s charity Save the Children have given him an award saying just that.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/peopl ... 73596.html

There is currently a 38degrees petition on the go against this. But isn't it just typical of lots of charities, "Donate your cash, and we can have some great parties"

Wasn't sure who the dog was, but didn't see Cherie there either.
Regards

Brian "Solly" Moulton

If it's not broke ........ Mess about with it, until it is !!

Believe it or not. I'm not Jewish.
Just a very careful Christian with short arms and deep pockets !!

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by rick aindow » Wed Nov 26, 2014 5:56 am

A man received the following text from his neighbour, it read...

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I
can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

having read this the man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,

grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody auto spell! I meant "wifi, not "wife"
From Brisbane Queensland, beautiful one day, perfect the next

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Dec 17, 2014 3:59 pm

From the logs of a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer:


I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S.
166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73, east of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration and proof of insurance. The lady took out the documents and handed them to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age), to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed did have a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 magnum snub-nose in her purse. I then asked her, what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sun Dec 28, 2014 12:57 pm

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.





The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"


Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"


Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"





Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.


Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sun Dec 28, 2014 1:02 pm

And God Looked Down


Most seniors never get enough exercise. So in his wisdom God decreed
that seniors would become forgetful so they would have to search for
their glasses, keys and other things misplaced and do some walking.


And God Looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was yet another need. So God in his wisdom made
seniors loose coordination so that they would drop things which would
require them to bend and reach and stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the functioning of seniors bladders and decided
that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently
requiring more trips to the relief station and that would burn calories.


God looked down and saw that it was good.
Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings
and did become more active as a result. So if you find you are
required to get up and down more as you age, remember it¹s God¹s will
and in your best interests even though you mutter under your breath.

=

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Jan 16, 2015 12:10 pm

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines:























One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.


I want all the women to report to St. Peter.


Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.




The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.




God said to the long line, You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!


You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!




Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."




God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"




The man replied, "This is where my wife told me to stand."

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Jan 26, 2015 11:26 pm

AAHH, MAKES YOUR HEART SING.
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat
on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,
Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.

'She replied,
'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?

'Nay,’ Jock replied

‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Jan 31, 2015 12:20 pm

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
> days.
>
> Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He
> enquired of God,
>
> 'Where have you been?'
>
> God pointed downwards through the clouds.
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
>
> 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going to
> call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
>
> 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
>
> God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For
> example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
> while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will
> be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a
> continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'
>
> God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be
> extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in
> ice.'
>
> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of
> land and asked, 'What's that?'
>
> 'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious place on
> earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the
> North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's
> finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.
> The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent
> and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll
> be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be
> known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
>
> 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
>
> God replied very wisely,
>
> 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to Govern
> the country!'
>
>

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Tony Williams » Thu Feb 05, 2015 5:00 pm

New drug problem rife in Yorkshire. Liquid ecstasy injected orally.
E by gum.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Feb 20, 2015 2:45 pm

> A spin on an old joke. The difference between Officers and
> NCOs A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a
> grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears
> were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in
> the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major
> General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the
> General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his
> headquarters staff. The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter
> pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the
> General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The
> young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that
> you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and
> threw him out. The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he
> was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you
> notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir,
> you have no ears.' The General threw him out also. The third interview
> was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He
> was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the
> two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with
> the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his
> surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
> The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly
> observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major,
> how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied,
> 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:46 pm

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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