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Re: Stoke City Football Club

Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 7:39 pm
by Paul Keller
Mr Salkeld sir !
It's a no i'm afraid !

Re: Stoke City Football Club

Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 11:24 am
by 27
Teams playing Stoke City to come with pre-broken limbs in future

Premier league sides up and down the country have taken the unusual decision to break their own legs and arms before travelling to The Britannia Stadium this season.

Traditionally players can expect to have their bodies amputated to varying degrees during the course of the game, but today’s joint announcement has put heed to that.

Speaking on behalf of an alliance of clubs, Arsene Wenger said that he was pleased with the new policy. “I am very happy yes. If nothing else it means no longer will their players enjoy the satisfying crunch of snapping the opposition bones. It should help give us an edge.”

“We played Stoke on Sunday and it’s always a tough physical challenge. We are assessing the injuries and so far Arteta has a broken eye socket, two have knee caps missing, Podolski is clinically dead and three more have post-traumatic stress disorder at a level consistent with Vietnam war sufferers.”

Roberto Martinez’s Wigan side are up next for Stoke. “I’m very pleased about the decision. It’s always a headache playing Stoke,” he punned. “You never know what injuries you’ll come out of the game with. At least this way we stay in control.”

“It’s a new challenge for us. Traditionally our medical staff fix broken bones; they’re not experts in the actual breaking as such. So we will need to train them up as quickly as possible.”

“Ironically the best people to consult on this would be Stoke – but they’re being very coy.”

“I don’t suppose you have a spare hammer or truncheon? I’m meeting Al-Habsi later. He hasn’t got a clue about this ruling so I want to take him by surprise. Better to start from the back – it’s like total football in a way.”

Meanwhile Michael Owen is a reported target for the Potters.

It is not yet clear if he will be warming the bench or the mascot’s outfit, but the free agent was spotted by a reporter in the area.

“Yeah things are pretty hectic at the moment. I’ve got loads of clubs after me. Honest, I’m not lying. That’s definitely the truth and that,” he said.

“But Tony Pulis has shown the most interest and I’m really excited about the setup.”

“I’ve already failed the medical but weirdly he didn’t seem overly concerned. Said I’d fit right into the system – something about not needing legs after training? Can only think they must run their arses off.” :lol: :lol: :lol:


27,

Re: Stoke City Football Club

Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 1:25 pm
by 27
Michael Owen unveiled to Stoke City physiotherapists


Stoke City’s new signing, Michael Owen, has been unveiled in front of Stoke City’s team of physiotherapists as he bids to secure a regular place on their treatment table.

Owen, who left Man United in May, revealed he was keen to play a key part in Stoke City’s injury list.

“I’m really looking forward to working with Stoke’s Medical staff,” he said

“I can’t wait to not be fit enough to get started.”

When asked what Stoke City fans can expect from him, the former Liverpool and Real Madrid striker revealed that he was fully committed to being unable to show them what he can do.

“Stoke have a great set of fans and a great stadium,” he enthused.

“I’m sure I’ll become closely acquainted with both of them as I spend most of my time sat in the stands”

Stoke’s manager, Tony Pulis, revealed that the signing of Owen will provide him with extra options.

“Not having Michael available for selection will definitely give me something extra in post-match interviews,” he said.

“Bemoaning my lack of options up front due to injuries will be essential to my success this season.”

Stoke have revealed that official photographs confirming the signing of Owen could be put on hold for up to three months after he dislocated his shoulder trying to lift a club scarf above his head.

The club’s Head Physio, Dave Watson, said: “We hope that Michael will be able to resume light scarf lifting by the end of November.”

“If all goes to plan he could be able to fully lift the scarf above his head by the New Year.”

“It’ll be like a new signing.” :lol: :lol: :lol:


27,
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Re: Stoke City Football Club

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 8:18 pm
by PINKY
ouch........