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Post by jonah » Fri Jul 01, 2005 6:00 pm

Two eggs and a tomato are frying in a pan. The tomato rolls over to the eggs and says.

"It's hot in here isn't it?"

One egg turns to the other and says.

"Blimey! A talking tomato."


Paul W. Baker

What kids say

Post by Paul W. Baker » Sat Jul 09, 2005 9:47 am

Thought these might make you laugh....
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6.)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7.)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6.)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7.)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6.)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6.)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6.)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7.)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7.)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8.)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age7.)

My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5.)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6.)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7.)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8.)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6.)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8.)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7.)

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Post by jonah » Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:24 pm

News Flash

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher terror alert levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The threat level raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

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Post by jonah » Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:25 pm

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."

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Service Details: REME 1975-1988
Location: South Wales

Post by Taff » Wed Jul 27, 2005 1:36 am

A turtle was walking down an lane in Swansea when a gang of snails mugged him.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could
explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
If your officer's dead and the sergeants look white,
Remember it's ruin to run from a fight:
So take open order, lie down, and sit tight,
And wait for supports like a soldier.
Wait, wait, wait like a soldier . . .

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Post by Bob_H » Wed Jul 27, 2005 12:33 pm

A little Italian boy living in Lancashire arrived home from school, opened the front door, and shouted "Mama Mia".


Post by Phil(Quassie)Baldwin » Thu Jul 28, 2005 8:29 am

Whats Black & White and eats like a horse.

A Zebra

Paul W. Baker


Post by Paul W. Baker » Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:07 pm

Want a laugh? Follow this link and watch the latest car off the ROVER production line - funny:


Martin Mullen
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As Above

Post by Martin Mullen » Thu Jul 28, 2005 7:09 pm

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

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Post by ALGY CAIN » Fri Jul 29, 2005 2:26 pm

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers, as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee.
"Do you remember many years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have gotten out today........"

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Post by ALGY CAIN » Fri Jul 29, 2005 2:53 pm

While he was "flying" down the road yesterday (4 miles per hour over the limit), a man passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled him over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which he replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," he responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," he said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until! I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

To which he politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket £95.00

Court Costs. £45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Brian Hunter
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Post by Brian Hunter » Thu Aug 04, 2005 5:04 pm

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps and pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at
two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the
corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant.

So far today we've had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Ya can take lad out o' Preston, but ya can't take Preston out o' lad

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rick aindow
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man - bar - crocodile

Post by rick aindow » Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:11 pm

Man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm, the barman refuses to serve him 'cos the croc is dangerous. Nonsense says the man, he is as harmeless as a kitten.

The barman says "show me he is harmeless and I'll let you have a drink"

The man whips his 'old fella' out and puts it in the crocs mouth, he then picks up a heavy bar ashtray and smacks the crock on the top of his head. the crocs jaws come crashing down and stop centimeters from his 'old fella'. There you go says the man, gentle as a kitten.

The barman says, "oh no, he knows you, you've taught him how to do that!.

The man throws a challenge out to anyone in the bar who would like to come and try it. There is complete silence.

The man throws out the challenge again, and old women comes to the front and says "OK I'll try it, just don't hit me too hard with the ashtray!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
From Brisbane Queensland, beautiful one day, perfect the next

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Sheriff Marshall
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Post by Sheriff Marshall » Mon Aug 08, 2005 11:57 pm

that is so old I am allowed to tell this 1

15 skinhead walk into a bar and the leader orders 16 pints, he hands the pints to all this mates and the last 1 to a old guy sitting at a table and turns to the barman and says "he's paying!" pointing at the old man. the old man replies 'no I'm not' and the skinhead wacks him on the back of the head knocking him unconsious, turns to the barman and says "when he wakes up tell him it was a rabbit chop to the back of the head" the next night the same 15 arrive again go though the same procedure 16 pints walk up to the old man and says "your round!" he again replies "bugger off" and the skinhead hits him again. "when he wakes up tell him that was a uppercut to the bottom jaw" says the skinhead to the barman, next night same again the skinhead orders 16 pints and hands them out leaving 1 for the old man, the old man jumps out of his seat and decks the skinhead! walking towards the door he turns to the barman and says "tell him when he wakes up that was a 1946 morris starting handle!"
if nothing else I have my humor

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Post by ALGY CAIN » Mon Sep 12, 2005 7:22 pm

A BUDDHIST walks up to bar. "What do you want?" asks the barman. "Just make me one with everything," he says.

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