IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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mick burgess
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by mick burgess » Thu Oct 27, 2016 12:08 pm

Son said to dad “I'm gay.”

Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”

Other son said “Me too dad.”

Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

The daughter said “I do…”







10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.

At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”

Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “and take this deaf bastard with you.”







In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said “Sorry mate, did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”







My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you, he is in prison.







Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.

Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”







I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”

“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

Bob Riley
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Bob Riley » Sun Nov 06, 2016 12:34 pm

Paddy talking to Mick about holidays
'Mick you I went to Spain 3 years ago and wife got pregnant,then I went to Italy 2 years ago ,and the wife got pregnant,then last year I went to Malta and the wife got pregnant '
Mick replies so whats the problem??
Paddy 'Well Im going to Vegas but Im taking the wife'

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Nov 08, 2016 4:24 pm

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING,

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."



Well, here it is… Marketing definitions …Quite clear ... and concise;









* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.



______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.

One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________



* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________



* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,

and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________



* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing,

so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's Donald Trump.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Nov 08, 2016 4:24 pm

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING,

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."



Well, here it is… Marketing definitions …Quite clear ... and concise;









* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.



______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.

One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________



* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________



* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,

and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________



* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing,

so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's Donald Trump.

______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________



* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !

mick burgess
Posts: 159
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Posted Hohne Regt came together1961
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Tidworth, Herford, Manchester, Lulworth,
Catterick, Munster 1992 KRH Lulworth.
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by mick burgess » Tue Nov 08, 2016 9:40 pm

:roll: A Woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the Maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the Husband.
That night when they went to bed, the Husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed.
She switched the lights off.
When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....
When he finished and was still panting, the Wife said:
"You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"
And then she switched on the light...
"No Madam", said the Gardener...

mick burgess
Posts: 159
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:08 pm
Service Details: Joined Boy's Sqn RAC Sepy 1956
Joined B Sqn Berlin Dec 1958
Joined C Sqn Celle Feb 1960
Posted Hohne Regt came together1961
Benghazi, Cyprus, Perham Down, Lulworth,
Tidworth, Herford, Manchester, Lulworth,
Catterick, Munster 1992 KRH Lulworth.
Retired Dec 2006 after 50 years/6 months
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by mick burgess » Tue Nov 08, 2016 10:00 pm

pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number
of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcingFREE KITTENS.


Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl. I'm Donald Trump. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Trump.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.
Trump was delighted.. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Trump should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So, the next day Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Trump got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes, sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."

Taken by surprise, Trump stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:05 pm

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a
beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old
man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply,

"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any
financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?",
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors. I love this one. A great
laugh.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:35 pm

One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.


When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"



The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the
club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.



The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.



The golfer replied, "No."



The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?"
the Lord asked.



Again, the golfer replied, "No."



The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?"
the Lord asked.



The golfer replied, "Yes."



The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs
to keep, and the golfer went home happy.



Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard,
and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"



"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"



The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this
your woman?" the Lord asked.



"Yes," cried the golfer.



The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"



The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."



And God was pleased.



The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:35 pm

One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.


When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"



The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the
club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.



The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.



The golfer replied, "No."



The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?"
the Lord asked.



Again, the golfer replied, "No."



The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?"
the Lord asked.



The golfer replied, "Yes."



The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs
to keep, and the golfer went home happy.



Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard,
and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"



"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"



The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this
your woman?" the Lord asked.



"Yes," cried the golfer.



The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"



The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."



And God was pleased.



The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat May 06, 2017 3:38 pm

> An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double.
>
> Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run".
>
> The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!!
>
> The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started
> his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman
> sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
>
> The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Tue Jun 20, 2017 11:42 am

A man invites his mate back home for dinner, the wife screams at him
"I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework,
Not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking !
What the f**k did you invite him round for ? "

"Cos he's thinking of getting married "
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Jun 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Nymphomaniac Convention A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow
Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very
beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight
toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he
blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and
said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United
States .." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what
myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories
are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't
even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my
friends call me Paddy."



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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:10 pm

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."

The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.

"Well, OK," he finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."

"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:30 pm

This shows the creativity of the English language.





In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin.
Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching:


Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?'

‘I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:20 pm

A man in Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again,
does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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