IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:55 am

> A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His Co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flowntogether and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.



> >>
> >> Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot,leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'
> >>
> >> 'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
> >>
> >> 'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'> >>
> >> 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese,not Chinese.'



> >>
> >> 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
> >>
> >> There's a few minutes of silence...
> >>
> >> 'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.
> >>
> >> 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.
> >>
> >> 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
> >>
> >> 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!
> >
> >
> >> 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all frucking same!!'
> >>

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:55 pm

A Good Hunting Dog



Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.

If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.

When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there!

Where did you get that dog?"

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.

So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f------ ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Sat Oct 10, 2015 11:31 am

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Oct 12, 2015 2:41 pm

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss UK ?


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!




Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'












LIFE THOUGHTS BY DUCKY



And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along....

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Wed Oct 14, 2015 10:34 pm

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

Life is like..... Be Mindful and Smile!
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:07 am

The Church Lady

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and
taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in
the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned
forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest
restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman
looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What
ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say
much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my
Sunday School class if I did !"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got
in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local
Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like
to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast
u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed
and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one
thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You
don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Oct 23, 2015 9:22 am

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked
over the menu....

+Toasted Tourist: $5.00

+ Boiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked/Grilled Politician $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Sat Oct 24, 2015 1:29 pm

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:10 am

Squirrels and Religion

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Wed Oct 28, 2015 1:51 pm

HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,
.
.
.
.
.
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Thu Oct 29, 2015 4:08 pm

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard officer and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Oct 30, 2015 10:17 am

A Good Hunting Dog

Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.
If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there!
Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f------ ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by mick burgess » Sat Oct 31, 2015 11:35 am

ThA duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working, "replies the duck.”

"And you can talk! "Exclaims the barman.”

"I see your ears are working, too, "Says the duck.”

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that, "Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.”

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job, "Says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus, "Says the barman.”

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.
"with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
> .
> .

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"



e Best Duck Joke Ever

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Sun Nov 01, 2015 11:40 am

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile...
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Nov 04, 2015 11:41 am

At last, confirmation of ‘Murphy’s Law’ with a wonderful Irish explanation. Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top." "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc." A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because the Vatican thinks that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

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