IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Mar 07, 2015 5:13 pm

> A group of American tourists walked into a pub in Cork.
>
> One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you
> are great drinkers.
>
> I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30
> minutes."
>
> The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took
> up the bet.
>
> 40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is
> your wee bet still on?”
>
> "Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000
> euros.”
>
> "Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
>
> It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
>
> "OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..
>
> "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.
>
> "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did
> you go?'
>
> The Irishman replied, "Well, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
> me,
>
> so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Apr 08, 2015 10:28 am

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of their best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.




The voice once again calls out: "One Royal is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.


The voice calls out again: "One Royal is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.


Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,





"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the bastards."

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Apr 08, 2015 11:11 pm

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple "I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be damn well joking" cries St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It just took me three months to find a priest up here...
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by PINKY » Fri Apr 10, 2015 9:02 am

Very true Bodge.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat May 02, 2015 3:07 pm

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the
bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
____

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Jun 06, 2015 4:37 pm

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."


Well, here it is:


-----------

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."


That's Direct Marketing.





-----------


* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."


That's Advertising.





-----------


* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."


That's Telemarketing.





--------------------


* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."


That's Public Relations.





-----------------

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."


That's Brand Recognition.





----------------

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.


That's a Sales Rep .





-------------------------
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.


That's Tech Support.





-----------------------
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"


That's Facebook.



---------------------------
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.


That's former President Bill Clinton.



-------------------------
* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.


That's America!!!!!!!

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by 27 » Mon Jun 22, 2015 8:15 pm

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. '
Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, you f**kin' dip sh*t!!. :lol: :lol: :lol:


27,
YOU SIGN PHIL JONES :-( :-( :-( WE SIGN KUN AGUERO :-) :-) :-)
C.T.I.D. :-) :-) :-) ⓜⓒⓕⓒ I WAS THERE WHEN WE WERE SHIT ¿? ¿? ¿?

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Jul 11, 2015 3:46 pm

> On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door
> of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
> will give you a life span of twenty years."
> >
> > The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
> >
> > And God saw it was good.
> >
> > On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
> do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
> span."
> > The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
> >
> > And God, again saw it was good.
> > On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
> field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
> and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
> life span of sixty years."
> >
> > The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
> years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
> >
> > And God agreed it was good.
> >
> > On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
> and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
> >
> > But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
> ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
> >
> > "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
> >
> > So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
> ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
> family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
> bark at everyone.
> >
> > Life has now been explained to you.
> >
> > There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
> as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front
> porch.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Aug 11, 2015 9:48 am

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?



I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me



I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.



I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, I a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."



When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:











... 1/3 ownership in the store



... a company pickup truck,



... a king size bed and


... $3,000 a month in living expenses.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Sep 22, 2015 9:52 am

Subject: Conducted tour










My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world hell hole! Litter, rubbish. boarded up shops. Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burkas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:22 pm

Things that end with
> “tor"
> Rachael asked her third grade
> class to name things that ended with “tor” and
> that also ate things.
>
> The first little boy said, "Alligator."
> "Very good James, that's a big word."
>
> The second boy said, "Predator."
> “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well
> done."
>
> Little Trento says, "Vibrator."
>
> After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,
> "That is a big word Trento, but it doesn't
> eat anything."
>
> “ Well my mother has one and she says it eats
> fucking batteries like there's no
> tomorrow!"
>
>
>

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by PINKY » Tue Sep 22, 2015 11:09 pm

lol

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:56 pm

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop dead,



gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price”

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Oct 02, 2015 10:41 pm

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world?s most successful of their days.
Now, 82 years later, the history asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However!!!
In that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important
golf tournament,
the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
The Moral:
screw work.
Play golf.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Fri Oct 02, 2015 11:05 pm

Excellent Bodge !!!!!
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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