IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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Sheriff Marshall
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Post by Sheriff Marshall » Mon May 22, 2006 11:15 pm

brillient Phil
if nothing else I have my humor

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Stef Rodowicz
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Post by Stef Rodowicz » Thu May 25, 2006 4:49 am

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus...

I'm f**kin' f***ed," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No f**kin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "F**k it"

and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".


Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was f**kin' pi**ed. But how'd you know?"





"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

One of the better Irish jokes.
Stef.

mitch
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Post by mitch » Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:21 pm

I went into the art shop in town this morning to get a couple of sketching pencils, as I made my selection the owner, a funny cove said to me.
"Do you know the difference between light and hard?"
As regards pencils I do know the difference. But his answer was. "You can sleep with the light on!"
Keep smiling.

jonah
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Post by jonah » Fri Jun 09, 2006 11:33 pm

Bill Clinton was flying over the Florida Everglades in his presidential helicopter (way back when). He looks down and sees three men. Two are white and in a speedboat. The third is black and is water skiing behind. The President asks the pilot if he can fly down close enough to allow him to speak to the men over the copters PA system.

"I'm President Bill Clinton" he says, "and I'm rightly proud of you three fellers. It's really refreshing to see black and white folk getting right along with each other, especially so in the southern states. It's restored my faith in the American system. God bless America." And off he flies.

Elmer turns to Jethro and says "Damn that man's stoopid. He may be the president of the whole country but he sure knows nuthin' about catchin' aligaters."

Arnie
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Is this the most stupid joke ever.

Post by Arnie » Sat Jun 10, 2006 2:34 pm

Jonah,
I was telling that joke in the early seventies and when I was telling it the principal characters were Harold Wilson and Ian Smith, Smith being the one delivering the punch line. Without going through the whole joke it concerned a white guy driving a motor boat and a black guy on the skis and the location was a lake outside Salisbury (Harare nowadays). Wilson was with Smith and they were taking a break during talks to end UDI.
Same punch line.
The point of my story is that I had the opportunity to tell the joke to both men. I told Harold the joke during a social evening at the Liverpool Police HQ in Hope St. All the members of my Int Corps unit from Preston were being feted by the Liverpool Special Branch. Wilson, who if you remember was the member for Huyton, was brought there by his personal detective prior to catching the sleeper back to London. With their usual sense of humour the SB deposited Harold at out table. Not being the diplomat I took the opportunity to tell the joke. It brought the house down, but Harold with his usual politicians one up-manship killed it dead with a remark like "but there is no lake outside Salisbury". He was a lying b.....d. When I was there with Lord Soames after the Lancaster House talks I was working at Government House in Salisbury and quickly found out that there is a very large lake, with a Scottish Sounding name just to the West of the city. One night while I was there I heard that Ian Smith was in a nightclub which I used to frequent. I was on the point of getting dressed and going there with the specific intention of telling him the joke just to see what his reaction would be. Unfortunately lethargy got the better of me and I never went. Just imagine though, the kudos, of being able to say that I had told the joke to the two principal characters.
Arnie :? :lol: :D

Phil(Quassie)Baldwin

Post by Phil(Quassie)Baldwin » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:59 am

I stole this from an old friend.

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears.
Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe
and I shall start with France.
We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeees,hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and
addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.
Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our
campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t,
I'm off to France to check this out."Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum againFriends,Romans and Countrymen tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet."Yes, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar.
You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there
to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
>>>>>>Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at
Brutus and says, Brutus, you are forgetting one thing


Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Paul Keller
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Post by Paul Keller » Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:18 am

Phil
Think you did him a favour!!! :D :D :D :D
Then it's Trooper this, an Trooper that
And Trooper how's yer soul?
But it's "Hawks are bloody 'ero's"
When the tanks began to roll!

Paul Keller
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Post by Paul Keller » Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:22 pm

Good one in todays "Sun".
Interviewer to Sir Paul McCartney,
" Do you see yourself going down on one knee again Sir Paul?"
Sir Paul ,
" I'd prefer it if you'd call her Heather! "
Then it's Trooper this, an Trooper that
And Trooper how's yer soul?
But it's "Hawks are bloody 'ero's"
When the tanks began to roll!

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Wanny
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Post by Wanny » Thu Jun 29, 2006 4:12 pm

I think my dog must have previously been owned by a blacksmith
because every time I kick him he makes a bolt for the door....! :lol:

Phil(Quassie)Baldwin

Post by Phil(Quassie)Baldwin » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:16 pm

Wanny
Sometimes the old ones just aint the best.
Phil

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Sheriff Marshall
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Post by Sheriff Marshall » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:15 pm

Tommy Cooper classic that wanny, A man walked into a bar, he shouts ouch! (it was an iron bar)
if nothing else I have my humor

Terry Murphy
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Post by Terry Murphy » Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:06 pm

Way down in the back of beyond in Ireland, Murph's old lady had
been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her
to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little
boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murphy! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception."

Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception."

When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."

Murphy said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's afookin' good ting we didn't use dat
WD-40!!"

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Sheriff Marshall
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Post by Sheriff Marshall » Tue Jul 04, 2006 1:26 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
if nothing else I have my humor

mitch
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Post by mitch » Wed Aug 16, 2006 5:06 pm

A young couple went to their local church and asked to join the congregation
The vicar interviewed them, told them about the parish and then pointed out that it was a very strict church.
That they would have to abstain from sex for a month, then return at which point they could join the congregation.
The young couple agreed to this and went on their way.

Two weeks later they were back at the vestry.
The young wife was very distressed and in tears.
Her husband was very nervous and upset, but spoke to the vicar.
"Vicar we have to confess, we haven't managed to abstain from sex.
Yesterday it overcame us, my wife reached for a tin of paint on the shelf,
she dropped it and then bent to retrieve it.
I couldn't help myself, there and then I took hold of her and gave her a real good seeing to."

"AAARRGHHH!" Cried the vicar, "You know what this means, don't you? You'll never be welcome in this church".

"We know that", said the husband, "We're not welcome in B&Q either"!

Mitch...........
Keep smiling.

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Brian Hunter
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Post by Brian Hunter » Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:52 pm

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have s.e.x with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shotsafter making l.o.v.e with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s.e.x with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have s.e.x, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the P.R. I.C.K who ran over my FROG!"
Ya can take lad out o' Preston, but ya can't take Preston out o' lad

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