IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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Terry Murphy
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Terry Murphy » Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:40 pm

The Lone Ranger rides into town with Tonto and pulls up outside the saloon " I'm just popping in for a drink but as Injins aren't allowed in you'll have to wait outside " says the L.R.
" But Kemosabe it's bloody freezing out here" replies Tonto.
" I'm sorry mate but you can't come in, tell you what,try running on the spot I'll only be ten minutes."
The L.R. is at the bar having a drink when a cowboy comes up to him and says "are you the L.R."
" Yes, why?"he asks.
The cowboy says" I think you've left your injin running"

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FERDY
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Tue Oct 15, 2013 12:49 am

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the Motorway outside London, Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Parliament. They’re asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in Petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Oct 15, 2013 11:14 pm

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

southerngit
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by southerngit » Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:12 pm

Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel-"have you got a fat,ginger bird with no teeth. a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?"
"Well you boys are really kinky!" say the madam
"Are we f**k they reply!"
"We're looking for our mum."

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Taff
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Taff » Sat Oct 19, 2013 5:47 pm

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
If your officer's dead and the sergeants look white,
Remember it's ruin to run from a fight:
So take open order, lie down, and sit tight,
And wait for supports like a soldier.
Wait, wait, wait like a soldier . . .

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ALGY CAIN
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by ALGY CAIN » Wed Oct 23, 2013 2:09 am

Liverpool are raving about the SAS - Sturridge and Suarez. United are still trying to come up with a name for Wellbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:15 pm

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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Taff
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Taff » Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:00 pm

On a bitterly cold Dublin winter morning, Paddy and Mary were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through." So Mary went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." Again Mary went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. Mary was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then, with love and understanding in his voice Paddy replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
If your officer's dead and the sergeants look white,
Remember it's ruin to run from a fight:
So take open order, lie down, and sit tight,
And wait for supports like a soldier.
Wait, wait, wait like a soldier . . .

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Taff
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Taff » Wed Nov 13, 2013 10:48 am

Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams ba...ck down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.
If your officer's dead and the sergeants look white,
Remember it's ruin to run from a fight:
So take open order, lie down, and sit tight,
And wait for supports like a soldier.
Wait, wait, wait like a soldier . . .

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FERDY
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Service Details: 1963 - 1977
Catterick, Benghazi, Tidworth, Paderborn, Ireland, Perham Down,Ireland, Herford, Bovington. (Can't remember the order though, Brain Dead !! ) Oh and a lot of time spent at Bisley !!
Real Name: Pete Farrell
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:49 pm

A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road. He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.

The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison. With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......
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"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

jsj
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by jsj » Thu Nov 21, 2013 5:50 pm

Earlier today, police in Liverpool cordoned off the city centre when a suspicious object was observed in a car...
It was later found to be a tax disc.

Terry Murphy
Posts: 74
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Terry Murphy » Sat Nov 23, 2013 2:30 pm

The British Penny





EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention!

tigger
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by tigger » Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:42 pm

Just had an upsetting experience at the store

A LITTLE OLD LADY IN FRONT OF ME COLLAPSED AND DIED IT WAS REALLY SAD SHE'D JUST BOUGHT A BAG FOR LIFE

dusty
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by dusty » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:02 am

My wife said, if I catch you watching porn again, I,ll smash your head against the dsligfqjdevmtr89vqmedfoavme-9y

Terry Murphy
Posts: 74
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2004 10:12 pm
Service Details: JLR 1965-1967
14/20H, C Sqdn, 1967
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Terry Murphy » Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:10 pm

Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"

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