IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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Freaks Parkinson

Post by Freaks Parkinson » Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:03 pm

Jesus Tony you will fall through the bottom of that barrel one day!!!! :wink:

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Merlin
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Post by Merlin » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:54 pm

Holy Mail......

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and
sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth;
95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down
a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When that angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's
true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were
good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little
something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Okay. I was just wondering. I didn't get one either.
As it is, so mote it be.

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Merlin
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Post by Merlin » Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:32 am

Another Woman
David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break
off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
:wink:
As it is, so mote it be.

Freaks Parkinson

Good Come Back!!!!!!!

Post by Freaks Parkinson » Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:26 pm

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


Freaks

Freaks Parkinson

Proper Joke this time

Post by Freaks Parkinson » Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:36 pm

Choice

British Soldier is down to his last two rounds when he is presented with two clear targets, a taliban and Tony Blair.
Who does he shoot first?

The taliban of course, but why?

Answer: He is professional....Business before Pleasure!

Freaks

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Meeks
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Post by Meeks » Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:09 pm

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish and play golf.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"














Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Live life to the full!

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rick aindow
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The Archbishop of Canterbury

Post by rick aindow » Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:55 am

The Archbishop of Canterbury has almost got his way!

British weather has been declared Muslim....











It’s partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite. :lol: :lol: :lol:
From Brisbane Queensland, beautiful one day, perfect the next

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27
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Post by 27 » Wed Apr 02, 2008 12:27 pm

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!


27
YOU SIGN PHIL JONES :-( :-( :-( WE SIGN KUN AGUERO :-) :-) :-)
C.T.I.D. :-) :-) :-) ⓜⓒⓕⓒ I WAS THERE WHEN WE WERE SHIT ¿? ¿? ¿?

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Stef Rodowicz
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cool soldier

Post by Stef Rodowicz » Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:02 am

Its not a joke as such but it sure made me smile. Dont know if anyone else saw this.
A sniper on the front line in Afganistan was being interviewed and
the interviewer asked what the sniper felt when they shot one of the Taliban insurgents

The sniper said :arrow:






Wait for it :shock:












A slight recoil :wink:

See you at Southport
Stef.

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Stef Rodowicz
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A sign of the times

Post by Stef Rodowicz » Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:32 am

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40
days and 40 nights.."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed.
I needed Building Regulations Approval.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need
for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning
permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development
of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a
decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be
posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told
them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of
it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent
trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them .... and we live in a Site
of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted
owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the
Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my
building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I
have to hire only health & Safety trained, CSCS accredited workers with
Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and
a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The government beat me to it.' :shock:

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mike
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Post by mike » Mon Apr 07, 2008 4:09 pm

________________________________

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,

So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
Your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
A letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and
Note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
Long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
Look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone
From emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he
Writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very
Small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your
Wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. :lol:
Mike Grundy
X Hussar.

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Bill Butcher
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GOLD FISH

Post by Bill Butcher » Tue Apr 08, 2008 4:47 pm

Husband went home and said to the wife-: "I see you have some gold fish"
"yes" says the wife.Husband "What have you called them"Wife "No1 and No2". Husband "Why did you call them that"? Wife " Well 1 dies their will be 2 left".

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Post by jonah » Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:42 pm

A chap walks in to a bar and the barmaid asks him what he'd like. "I'd like to shove my head between your t*ts" :shock: Outraged, she tells him "Any more of that and you'll be barred" He apologises. :oops:

"Right, what can I get you?" she asks "You can get yer t*ts out and show us your fa**y" he says. :evil:

"That's it, you're out of here!" :(

Once again he says sorry. :oops:

"Ok, one last chance. What'll it be?" :)

"I'll have your fa**y full of Stella and I'll drink it through a straw!" :evil:

She's enraged and gets her husband who's sitting in front of the TV. She tells him about the first comment and he says "I'll kill him". She tells him about the second comment and he picks up a baseball bat but when she tells him about the third comment he goes back to watching the telly.

"What's wrong with you?" she asks "I'm annoyed but I'm not taking on some nutter that can drink 15 pints of Stella!" :roll:
Women, can't live with em. Can't shoot em...

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Brian Hunter
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Male or Female

Post by Brian Hunter » Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:01 am

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their bum.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Ya can take lad out o' Preston, but ya can't take Preston out o' lad

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Merlin
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Contact:

Post by Merlin » Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:57 am

The old ones are the best ones,


1 . Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?''Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.''How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other
one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night


Merlin
As it is, so mote it be.

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