IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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rick aindow
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by rick aindow » Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:33 am

Don't leave us hanging Bodge!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Brisbane Queensland, beautiful one day, perfect the next

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Aug 27, 2014 9:22 pm

And the Rabi says.

And we still waiting for the change.

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FERDY
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Catterick, Benghazi, Tidworth, Paderborn, Ireland, Perham Down,Ireland, Herford, Bovington. (Can't remember the order though, Brain Dead !! ) Oh and a lot of time spent at Bisley !!
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Thu Aug 28, 2014 12:23 am

Realism
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Aug 30, 2014 1:44 pm

“DAD, WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT PRISMS AT SCHOOL. THEY'RE FASCINATING.”

DAD: “THAT’S GOOD SON, BECAUSE AS A DYSLEXIC BLACK BOY, YOU'RE BOUND TO END UP IN ONE.”


PADDY DECIDES TO TAKE UP BOXING AND GOES FOR THE REQUIRED MEDICAL. A FEW DAYS LATER THE DOCTOR ‘PHONES AND SAYS “PADDY, YOU REALISE YOU'VE GOT SUGAR DIABETES.”

PADDY SAYS, “NICE ONE, WHEN DO I FIGHT HIM?”




IT WAS HARD GETTING OVER MY ADDICTION TO THE HOKEY COKEY. BUT I'VE TURNED MYSELF AROUND AND THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT.


A MUSLIM BLOKE I WORK WITH WAS BRAGGING HE HAD THE ENTIRE KORAN ON DVD. BEING INTERESTED, I ASKED HIM TO BURN ME A COPY. WELL, THAT’S WHEN IT ALL KICKED OFF!




PADDY CAUGHT HIS WIFE HAVING AN AFFAIR AND DECIDED TO KILL HER AND HIMSELF. HE PUTS THE GUN TO HIS HEAD, LOOKS AT HIS WIFE AND SAYS "DON'T LAUGH, YOUR NEXT!!"




AN IRISHMEN WANTING TO BECOME A PRIEST WENT TO SEE THE BISHOP WHO SAID "YOU MUST ANSWER 3 QUESTIONS ON THE BIBLE".

"1ST - WHO WAS BORN IN A STABLE?"

"RED RUM" HE REPLIED

"2ND - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DAMASCUS ?"
"IT KILLS 99% OF ALL GERMS" HE REPLIED.
"3RD - WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE DISCIPLES WENT TO MOUNT OLIVE ?"
"THAT’S EASY" HE SAID "POPEYE KICKED THE SH*T OUT OF THEM!!"


LITTLE BOY GETS HOME FROM SCHOOL AND SAYS "DAD, I'VE GOT A PART IN THE SCHOOL PLAY AS A MAN WHO'S BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS."
HIS DAD REPLIES "NEVER MIND SON. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL GET A SPEAKING PART!!"


TWO IRISHMEN LOOKING THROUGH A MAIL ORDER CATALOGUE.
PADDY SAYS "LOOK AT THESE GORGEOUS WOMEN! THE PRICES ARE REASONABLE TOO."
MICK AGREES "I'M ORDERING ONE RIGHT NOW"
3 WEEKS LATER PADDY SAYS TO MICK "HAS YOUR WOMAN TURNED UP YET?"
"NO" SAID MICK "BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE LONG NOW THOUGH. HER CLOTHES ARRIVED YESTERDAY!!




A DWARF GOES TO A VERY GOOD BUT VERY BUSY DOCTOR AND ASKS "I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY BUT DO YOU TREAT DWARVES?"

THE DOCTOR REPLIES "YES, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO BE A LITTLE PATIENT".


YORKSHIRE MAN TAKES HIS CAT TO THE VET.
YORKSHIREMAN: "AYUP, LAD, I NEED TO TALK TO THEE ABOUT ME CAT."

VET: "IS IT A TOM?"
YORKSHIREMAN: "NAY, I'VE BROWT IT WITH US."




A YORKSHIREMAN 'S DOG DIES AND AS IT WAS A FAVOURITE PET HE DECIDES TO
HAVE A GOLD STATUE MADE BY A JEWELLER TO REMEMBER THE DOG BY.
YORKSHIREMAN: "CAN THA MEK US A GOLD STATUE OF YON DOG?"
JEWELLER: "DO YOU WANT IT 18 CARAT?"
YORKSHIREMAN: "NO I WANT IT CHEWIN' A BOON YER DAFT BUGGER!"
THE LAST IS ALWAYS BEST

JOHN FURNESS FROM HUDDERSFIELD, WITH PILES ASKS CHEMIST "NAH THEN LAD, DOES THA SELL ARSE CREAM?"
CHEMIST REPLIES "AYE, MAGNUM OR CORNETTO?"

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Sep 01, 2014 2:38 pm

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the 'chrome-plated Christian fish emblem' on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

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FERDY
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Catterick, Benghazi, Tidworth, Paderborn, Ireland, Perham Down,Ireland, Herford, Bovington. (Can't remember the order though, Brain Dead !! ) Oh and a lot of time spent at Bisley !!
Real Name: Pete Farrell
Location: Dukinfield
Contact:

Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Mon Sep 08, 2014 10:55 am

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled and jowly from age.

The barber carefully takes a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that it was the cleanest shave he's had in many years, but he wanted to know what would have happened If he had accidently swallowed that little ball?

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does......."
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Sep 30, 2014 1:34 pm

See, This is why we should still be teaching grammar in schools.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.



The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say:

‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you
have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you
want."



The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he
turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"



"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife
to join him in the bedroom.



When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and
began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

tigger
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by tigger » Wed Oct 08, 2014 8:36 am

A mate told me that as a child he was blessed with a nine and a half inch penis!

"You lucky Bastard " I told him.

"Not really" he repied. "It belonged to Father Patrick! "

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:38 am

FULL BODY SCANS







AT AIRPORTS:


TSA disclosed the following
Airport Screening Results


December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :


Terrorists Discovered

0


Transvestites

133


Hernias

1,485


Hemorrhoid Cases

3,172


Enlarged Prostates

8,249


Breast Implants

59,350


Natural Blondes

3


It was also discovered that 308 politicians
had no balls.


Thought you'd like to know.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Oct 15, 2014 2:49 pm

> Its got to be true. You just could not make this up ! ! !
>
> ONLY IN AMERICA .
>
> A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
> them
> against, among other things, fire.
>
> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
> the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the
>
> lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
>
> The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
> that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
>
> The lawyer sued and WON!
>
> STAY WITH ME
>
> Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
> the
> claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
> a
> policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
> insurable and also guaranteed that
> it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to
> be
>
> unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
>
> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
> company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
> of
> the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
>
> NOW FOR THE BEST PART
>
> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
>
> on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
> With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
> used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
> insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
> fine.
>
> This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
> contest.
>
> ONLY IN AMERICA .
> NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:57 am

Condom use on an aircraft



A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Nov 04, 2014 3:29 pm

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.




She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football



She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she asks.

'Yes,' he replies.

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.

'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..



The boy looks at her incredulously and says:


"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Fri Nov 07, 2014 7:45 am

UK WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE, Spend it Wisely.
About this time of the year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:59 pm

> AUSTRALIA
>
>
>
>
>
> Number One Idiot, so far in 2014
>
> I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
> poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
> caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
> ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
> the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
> to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
> kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
> emergency room right away..
>
> Number Two Idiot so far in 2014
>
> Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
> life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
> the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
> they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned
> out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
> activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
> Boeing.
>
> Number Three Idiot so far in 2014
>
> A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
> wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to
> give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
> write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
> window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After
> waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read
> it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
> light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
> because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he
> would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of
> Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was
> arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of
> Queensland. Happened in Noosa!
>
> Number Four Idiot so far in 2014
>
> A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
> the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
> robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
> shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
> refused and said,
> 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the
> clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At
> this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and
> gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was
> in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
> the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
> the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They
> arrested the robber two hours later.
>
> Number Five Idiot so far in 2014
>
> A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
> first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
> first bandit shot him..
>
> Number Six Idiot so far in 2014
>
> Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
> throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
> he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick
> bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window
> was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape. Perth
> WA .
>
> IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
>
> My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked the
> person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
>
> He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. Happened in Surfers
> Paradise !
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
>
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
> asked,
>
> 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
>
> To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
>
> He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Melbourne
> .
>
> JUST AN IDIOT:
> When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were
> told the keys had been locked in it.
> We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
> to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
> instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
> 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I
> already done that side.'
> This was at the FORD main dealership.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:04 pm

UK WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE, Spend it Wisely.
About this time of the year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.

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