Joey Barton

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Joey Barton free to enter Celebrity Big Brother house.


Newcastle United footballer Joey Barton has used Twitter to talk his way out of St James’s Park, leaving him free to move into the Celebrity Big Brother house.

The £70,000-a-week midfielder has been outspoken in his criticism of Newcastle’s board of directors in a bid to secure a long-overdue debut as a reality TV star.

Part-time philosopher and ankle surgeon Barton will now head a strong line up of celebrities no-one has heard of – including a large-breasted blonde woman – for the first series of Big Brother to be aired on Channel Five.

“Compared to the mad house that is St James’s Park, the Celeb BB house will be a breeze,” according to The News entertainment correspondent/ work experience girl.

“He’s roomed with Andy Carroll in the past too, so he should have no probs waiting for a bunch of glamour models to finish washing their locks in the bathroom either,” she added.

“How he’ll cope without Twitter could be a different matter. Hopefully he won’t start speaking to the voices in his head on camera.”

A campaign has already launched on legalised stalking website Facebook to urge a list of famous names to join Barton in the hope the Scouser will kick the shit out of them.

Mohamed Al-Fayed, Richard Bacon, Michael Winner and ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith currently top the ‘most wanted’ list.

Cigars, alcohol, Mike Ashley and Mancunians have all been banned from the Big Brother house, a spokesperson for Channel Five confirmed.


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[Paul Keller]

Gotta be better then going back to Wastelands !!!

[27]

Joey Barton latest: Newcastle United rethink sign-a-lunatic transfer policy


NUFC abandon sign-a-simpleton policy
Toon boss Alan Pardew fears Newcastle United may be forced to start a season without a recognised idiot in the side for the first time in decades.

“Losing a Grade A fruitcake like Joey Barton so close to the big Premier League kick off is a massive blow,” said Pardew, “and a first for the club in recent years.

“So much of our preparation has been around employing a moron like Barton to shaft our chances left, right and centre, now all that hard work has been undone.”

The St James’s Park outfit has relied on a steady stream of cretins in the team to derail any hopes of silverware since their last trophy win back in 1969.

And club historian Walter Greendale, 87, fears moves to abandon Newcastle’s much-vaunted “sign-a-simpleton policy may have serious consequences for the Tyneside club.

“Newcastle fans turn up to watch their side implode not win trophies,” he said.

“Goals and winning games are all very well for your Manchester Uniteds and Liverpools, but Toon fans prefer to see their players going off the rails in spectacular fashion.

“Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer fighting on the pitch, Barton getting banged up, Craig Bellamy ranting against Shearer … that’s what they’ve come to expect.

“To start playing football could be a disaster. The last time we did that, only the late intervention of a hysterical Kevin Keegan squealing ‘I’d love it’ on TV managed to save us from winning a league title.”

Newcastle fans last night gathered outside St James’s Park calling for club owner Mike Ashley to resign.

“He’s making a mockery of this club,” said Toon fan Tony Superkev Number 9 Smith, 27, of Birtley, “We want our loonies.”

NUFC fan Alan Shearer Shearer Todd, 31, of Gateshead, said: “Ashley did us proud when he brought in barking mad Joe Kinnear as manager, but recently he’s let us down big style.

“Getting rid of home-grown mentalist Andy Carroll has done us no favours. And no sooner does Nile Ranger show traditional brainless Toon prowess, getting pictured in the tabloids brandishing a handgun, than the club put him up for sale.

“This guy has no respect for Newcastle’s decades of dimwittery.”

As The News went to press, Paul Gascoigne was reportedly heading to St James’s Park in his dressing gown armed with a fishing rod and a roast chicken.


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Joey Barton now has more Twitter followers than brain cells

Newcastle United’s unofficial spokesman on Twitter, Joey Barton, is closing in on another landmark by reaching nearly 300,000 followers on the social networking site.

That’s more followers than he has brain cells, according to doctors.

“Jesus had to be nailed to a cross, die, then be resurrected to get this many followers,” a pal of Barton’s told The News.

“But he’s done it by sulking liKe a two-year-old and quoting some geezers from his cousin’s Letts Guide to A-Level Philosophy.”

Barton has doubled his following in recent weeks, initially by criticising the ownership and management at Newcastle United. He then hinted that dark forces were at work at St James’s Park, later admitting he was feeling a bit paranoid having just seen the latest Harry Potter movie.

The 28-year-old then rounded on journalists with a flurry of well-constructed arguments – such as labelling reporters as peasants and helmets.

But in recent days Barton – a convicted criminal – has earned plaudits for slamming rioting youths.

The footballer urged police to crack down on rioters and show no mercy in their beatings, arguing there should be no second chances for these offenders.

Barton then thanked his current club and former employers Manchester City, as well as a combined total of 100,000 fans for giving him several second chances.


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[Paul Keller]

Short memories you blues !
wasn't all that long ago you were exhulting him at Wastelands !!

[Paul Keller]

Mr jd sir !
We talking Paul Ince here ??
Why has he been up to something naughty ??

[Paul Keller]

That was his Eastend upbringing !
You only have to watch 'em all on the soap to see were he gets it from !!
And havin been to Wisst 'amm in the past, i can assure you there all like that !!

[Phil(Quassie)Baldwin]

Paul
Cockney's all have 2 heads and the same surname
Phil

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WWE wrestling looking to snap up Joey Barton in transfer window


The WWE wrestling corporation is expected to swoop early in the January transfer window for Joey Barton after another theatrical performance full of drama against Norwich.

The midfielder scored a goal and then was sent off when Bradley Johnson went down dramatically claiming Barton headbutted him.

Johnson’s performance has also roused interest from the WWE who are always searching for athletic men to pretend to hit each other and then roll around like a Norwich player who has been tickled on the forehead.

The WWE commented, “Over the years Barton has cultivated a persona which can create controversy and nonsense simply by breathing in a particular way.”

“We feel he would make a great addition to our squad, especially considering the hysterical atmosphere generated by US crowds.”

“Even Neil Warnock can’t compete with those guys.”

Warnock replied, “They should be concentrating on Johnson, I was really impressed by his theatrics out there today.”

“I come from the ‘old school’ of football managers where we expect a player to be decapitated before he admits he’s hurt.”

“Though if Joey had stayed on the pitch much longer someone probably would have ended up being decapitated.”


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