IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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FERDY
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby FERDY » Wed Aug 17, 2016 10:26 pm

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion...Marion..."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...I'm a rabbit on Dartmoor"
Chairman of Noah's ARC...........The Club of the 14th/20th King's Hussars :roll: :roll: :roll:

Bob Riley
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Bob Riley » Wed Aug 31, 2016 5:46 pm

little boy is toilet for a long time.
Mum is worried and asks where are you
here replies the boy
Mum walks into toilet the boy is sitting on bowl tapping his head
she asks what are you doing hitting yourself on your head
boy answers " its works for ketchup "

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Wed Aug 31, 2016 7:43 pm

A Scottish Love Story




An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom and, gripping the banister; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.


There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones. Is it heaven? Or is it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he leaves this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he throws himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembles towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it is suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon


F*** off!!! she said, they're for the funeral.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Bob Riley » Wed Sep 14, 2016 2:48 pm

2 Irish guys in very long queue booking desk at airport...
Pat sez to Murphy "Did you pack your bags with everything " ??
Murphy replies " Of course Pat"
Pat then sez " I wish Id packed the TV "
Murphy " Why "????
Pat then sez " Cos the tickets are on the top "!!!!!!!

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby Bob Riley » Wed Sep 21, 2016 2:17 pm

2 guys wandering down the road after a session in the pub,both pissed bumping into things,when one guy turn and says to the other " Paddy we've walked into a cemetery " ....Paddy replies "How do you know that Murphy"?????....." well" Murphy says "Here a guy who a 105 years old " ...." Bloody hell thats old" .....then Murphy says " Yes and his name is Miles from Dublin "

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Fri Sep 23, 2016 10:12 pm

As a butcher is shooing a dog away from his shop, he sees a10 note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

>
> Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
> quickly closes the shop.
>
> He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
> then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
>
> The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
>
> When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number,
> then boards the bus.
>
> The butcher follows, dumbstruck As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the
> dog takes in the scenery.
>
> After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then
> the butcher follows him off.
>
> The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks
> repeatedly.
>
> No answer.
>
> He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (whap!)
> against the door. He does this again and again.
>
> No answer.
>
> So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a
> window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
>
> Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
>
> The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This
> dog's a genius!"
>
> The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. That's the second time this week he's
> forgotten his key!"
>
>
>
>

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Mon Oct 03, 2016 12:00 pm

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Australian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, ....unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Mon Oct 03, 2016 12:00 pm

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Australian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, ....unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

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rick aindow
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby rick aindow » Thu Oct 06, 2016 10:44 pm

Bodge, it was better the first time!!!! LOL
From Brisbane Queensland, beautiful one day, perfect the next

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Mon Oct 10, 2016 10:06 am

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Wed Oct 12, 2016 3:42 pm

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Fri Oct 21, 2016 12:02 pm

The old cow
>
> While the campaign motorcade proceeded down a lonely rural road in
> west Texas, a very aged cow that had wandered away from its farm
> pasture suddenly stepped onto the road directly in the path of the
> oncoming vehicles.
> The Secret Service limo driver tried to avoid the aging bovine but
> just couldn't stop the car in time. Unfortunately, the old cow was
> struck and killed.
> From the back seat of the limo, Hillary Clinton demanded that her
> driver to go up to the nearby farmhouse and explain to the owners what
> had happened. She insisted, however, that the agent should resist
> any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, and she added,
> "You killed it, so if they demand money, it will come out of your own
> pocket!"
>
> Meanwhile, Hillary stayed in the car making phone calls on her
> unsecured cell phone.
>
> About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
> clothes in disarray.
> He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a
> huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with
> lipstick.
> "What happened to you?" asked Hillary.
> "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife
> gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate
> love to me.
> "I had just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I'm Hillary Clinton's
> driver, and I've just killed the old cow.’ "
> "The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:29 am

Inner Peace



Inner Peace during the current political campaign.....


I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political campaign, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Bayleys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Waliuminun scriptins, an a bxo a choclutz. Yuz haz kno idr how fablus I feeeel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby bodge » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:55 am

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.... yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
However, the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say "Yes!" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?'"

"Why you silly man," she replied, "I said 'Yes. Yes I will!' And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted.
He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Postby mick burgess » Thu Oct 27, 2016 11:04 am

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'this is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'



:lol: posting.php?f=1&mode=reply&t=264&sid=2dfacda9e66da8797fde35e9ca48d6cc#


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