IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

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bodge
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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Nov 07, 2015 11:51 am

-
A crusty old biker from Brisbane out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs " ?



She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie".

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:00 am

Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say...

Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say...

Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy.

Confucius Say...

Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out...you lose interest.

Confucius Say...

Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5-minute ride.


Confucius Say...

Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say...

Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by FERDY » Mon Nov 23, 2015 9:58 pm

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
If you can stay calm when all around you is in Chaos, Then you have not properly understood the Situation!! :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by mike » Sat Nov 28, 2015 11:25 am

There is a lot to read here some are interesting...all, if you don't know any of them. Fortunately you have a delete button. :-)
I read it, cos I'm always interested...



Historical origins of sayings – interesting

Did you know?

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted.

Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.

Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

*********************************************************************

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year! (in May and October)

Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean them they could carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.

The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

********************************************************************

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.

To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man." Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."

*********************************************************************

Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.

The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax."

Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."

*********************************************************************

Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."

************************************************************

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

*********************************************************************

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns.

Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

************************************************************************

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."

************************************************************

One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the hey day of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

You must send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to at least ten unsuspecting friends. If you don't, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.
Mike Grundy
X Hussar.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Dec 15, 2015 3:27 pm

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2015
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2015
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2015
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2015
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your x*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you x*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2015
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Dec 22, 2015 3:18 pm

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Wigan bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Lancashire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, “That's about average in Wigan. Like I said, my boy's a typicalLancashire baby boy and is going to be a rugby league player
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar and the bartender says, “ Say, aren't you the father of that typical Wigan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Twenty pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious, “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”

The Lancastrian takes a slow swig of his real ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Thu Jan 07, 2016 11:06 am

I recently heard a sweet elderly lady saying a prayer:-

“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

You have taken — my favourite actor— James Garner,

my favourite actress —Lauren Bacall,

my favourite comedian — Robin Williams,

my favourite singer—Joe Cocker, and finally,

my favourite author, Tom Clancy.


I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favourite Politicians are;


Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn and that stupid bitch from Scotland.


Amen.” And "Here, here".

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:48 pm

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife. “I had a terrible day” replied Bob.“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection”.
“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”. “I see”, said his wife, “that must
have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
Bob replied, ”…Wrong room

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:45 am

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department .

The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see ?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."

"I know," he said, "but the whole dart team hadn't!"

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:22 pm

Subject: Did You Know?

1. A wise person once said: ‘We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.’




2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is PRICELESS.




3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.




4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences,

but will grab whatever is available.




AND




5. I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legit.




A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:57 am

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant
and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by rick aindow » Fri Jun 17, 2016 6:25 am

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
From Brisbane Queensland, beautiful one day, perfect the next

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by bodge » Sat Jun 18, 2016 3:39 pm

Subject: US OPEN FINAL ROUND

I have two tickets to the US OPEN final round and just realized I’m getting married that day and can’t go.

If you’re interested in going in my place, it’s at St. Paul’s Church and her name is Gloria.

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Bob Riley » Sun Jun 19, 2016 1:13 pm

Teacher asks John why he had his cat in class ????
John replies ' Miss when i was having breakfast my Dad said to my Mum ,that whe John goes to school I'm going eat Pussey so I brung him with me '

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Re: IS THIS THE MOST STUPID JOKE EVER?

Post by Bob Riley » Wed Jun 22, 2016 11:13 am

here's too close to call.......reports coming in from France ref the footy......the Turkish fans are fighting the Czech fans....the Albanian fans are fighting the Croatian fans......the Hungarian fans are fighting the Polish fans and finally the Spanish fans are fighting the Irish fans.....the French police have said they have arrested then all and are sending them back to the UK

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